PEELING THE GRAPE...The Talk

I'm the proud mother of a 19 year old girl and twin 14 year old boys.  I'm surprised and concerned at the similarity in the challenges they are all facing, in spite of the fact that there is a 5 year difference between my daughter and the boys.  However, I realize that all I can do (at this point), is watch, listen and hunt out opportunities for discussion and education.  I lay no pretense to being an expert in this field but I'm dogged in my pursuit of teachable moments and committed to doing whatever I need to do to get the job done.

Now, we live in suburbia in a beautiful neighbourhood that is predominantly Caucasian (this for those who fool themselves that what I'm relating to you is only typical of inner city kids or only among black children).  This having been said, I shall begin:

I began using correct  body part terminology with my daughter when she was about 3 years old because she had begun asking questions about the differences between boys and girls having seen me change the diaper of a friend's little boy.  When she was 4, I became pregnant with my boys and she began pressing for information as to how the babies got into my "tummy" and, how they were going to come out.  I remembered reading somewhere that the average child would indicate when they had received as much information as they were ready to handle, so I took my cue from that keeping in mind what I knew of my own child.

I seem to recall telling her that mommy and daddy made love and that the babies were a result of that act. This satisfied her at the time but, as my belly grew, so did her curiosity as to how the babies were going to come out and how they would know that it was time to come out.  This was a bit tougher. I wanted to be honest with her but, I was on very uncertain ground.  Fortunately, I had begun watching a Discovery Channel program that documented the lives of several couples from the conception of their child to delivery.  I recorded one of the episodes and showed her a little at a time, explaining things to her as the questions came.  Her reaction to the birthing was stuff  like, "Did you cry when I came out?" and,  "Those babies are really loud".  I pointed out to her how happy the parents were and she marched off armed with all the information she needed at the time. There were no more questions until it was time for her brothers to be born and those dealt with how I was going to feed two babies (piece of cake having discussed delivery).

All three kids have been surrounded by sexual innuendo, sexual activity and horrible name-calling usually directed at girls for the last few years.  With the boys I found that while I was able to delay detailed information, (in spite of one them being told to go kiss a girl, "like in sex movies", in Grade 1); things got "hairy" very quickly.  In Grade 3, a classmate began regaling them with tales of what had happened in episodes of "Sex and the City". Since then, I've been having "The Talk" with them, about quarterly, in the hope that I could prevent or head off any garbage from gaining a toehold in their minds. 

These talks don’t really get any easier to have, but each time I give them more advanced information based on what I have gathered is going on around them and get some feedback in return. In this area, I consider myself  fortunate and as they speak pretty openly with and around me and their openness provides plenty of opportunity for teachable moments. 

Conversations usually start off slow with the boys going, "Oh mom, not again",  they progress to lively discussion and end up with us just about rolling on the ground with laughter and/or me with tears rolling down my face. This last time, the focus was on sexual activity as kids in their (then Grade 7) and Grade 8 have been talking about what they do, who they've done it with and who they are going to do next.

We began with discussion of the names that they hear girls being called and graduated to talking about things that elicited lots of, "Ooh that's gross" and "That can happen?".  My daughter, eavesdropping in the Family Room, announced what we were doing (having "The Talk") as her Facebook status and hilarity broke out on her page. She later showed it to me and though many of the responses were funny, I was a bit sad to note that the responses indicated that the majority of the kids contributing had never had, "The Talk", or if they had, wistfully noted that it had not consisted of much.  Chalk one up for me. 

My talk with the boys ended with me stating my opinion sex is probably the most lied about subject among men (isn't it?).  I told them to be assured that guys will engage in lies,  about when they lost their virginity; how many times; who they've done it with; the size of their penis; how long they can go, etc.  I also told them that, should they ever feel they're missing out on something to keep in mind what I've told them (hopefully not for voicing) and to feel secure in the knowledge that it's only right to wait until... 1) "You're married", chimed up Twin B or... 2) "You have a job so you can support a child and you're confident that you would like the girl to be permanent in your life", chimed Twin A.  I let the conversation rest at that, knowing that we still have lots more talking to do but feeling like they had been, "topped up", as appropriate.

Three days later, Twin A shared a story with me; he said he was in a group of kids chatting and a Grade 8 boy joined the group and kept indicating that he had something to tell him.  Since Twin A was making a point of ignoring the attention seeking behaviour, the Grade 8 boy stated aloud that he'd gotten laid last night.  My son's response was to say, "You know, your hand doesn't count, eeuw!".

"Well", I said to my son, "That was one way of handling it, I guess" and we then discussed other ways he might have dealt with it. 

You see, this type of thing is one of the reasons why we need to have "The Talk" over and over and over again.